the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
