I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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