That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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