Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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