lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
