Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
