I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
