Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
