Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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