Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
