All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
