The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
