I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
