Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
