I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
