I faked an abortion last night.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm both gender and math confused
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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