Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize