I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
