We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
