Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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