I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
