sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize