it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
