It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize