I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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