i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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