For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize