I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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