I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
