I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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