my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize