When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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