I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
