when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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