"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
