What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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