MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
