Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
