did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
