Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
