Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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