I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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