I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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