I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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