Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
