david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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