woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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