My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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