my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
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