I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize