I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
