in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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