Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
