Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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