so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize