I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
