the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Are we still banned from the library?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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