Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

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(406): View more from Montana

He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.

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(404): View more from Georgia

When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!

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(240): View more from Maryland

What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?

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