you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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