Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
