I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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