He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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