Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
