Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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