next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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