I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
