I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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