3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
