I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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