took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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