i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
