I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
